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 -- January's Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara Direct Answers appears in newspapers on six continents. -- Direct Answers by Wayne and Tamara From Edgar: "I am 39, married for four years. I have no kids, but two stepchildren from my current wife. The problem is I may be in love with someone from my past, and when I say my past, I mean high school. I met this girl when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. For me it was instant love. Not only was she the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, she was wonderful. Unfortunately, she was in a popular clique, and well, I was not. We lived close by, so we rode the same bus to and from school. We were friendly and all, but nothing more. Looking back I can’t honestly say if I asked her out she would have said no, but at the time there was no way I was going to risk it. I wrote her love letters and sent roses on her birthday. She called to thank me, but since I had no idea how to talk to girls, I completely blew that opportunity. The years sped by as they tend to do, and I thought about her. I figured she was married with kids, and I should just let her go. Once or twice a month I have dreams about her, and no, none of them are sexual. But they usually make me sad. It sometimes takes me a day or two to get over the more vivid ones. Last year was my 20th high school reunion, and through the grapevine I found out she never married. She’s on my Facebook page. I was going to say hi to her just as a friend, but apparently she’s never on. I wrote this letter because last night I had another dream about her. I woke up nearly in tears because it was so emotional. I love my wife but not in the same way; it’s more like she’s my best friend. My greatest regret in life is that I never had a chance with this girl. I always felt she was the one I was meant to be with. I feel lost, my heart is breaking, and I have no idea what to do." Wayne & Tamara's Answer: "Edgar, each year, not far from where we live, Civil War re-enactors gather to recreate a battle. They may think what they do is authentic, but parading on clean fields in pressed uniforms doesn’t capture the frontline realities of fleas, filth, and the fear of death. It’s more like a getaway weekend. The past is not a buffet where we can take what we want and move it into the present. In truth you are having night sweats over a woman you never dated and barely talked to. You don’t know her, and you can’t genuinely love someone you don’t know. There are three possible courses of action. First, you can sit around and wallow in this unmatured infatuation and let fantasy destroy your current life--which is exactly what you did as a teenager. Or you can go see this woman and almost surely be disappointed. But we don’t think you will do that. This daydream is about being able to sit on your hands through life, like the man who fantasizes about quitting his job but never does it. Or you can look at what has been so wrong in your life that you don’t want to live in it. What is going on is not about this woman. It’s about you. It has nothing to do with her. She doesn’t need to be talked to or chased or pursued. The tragedy is you are losing your life over a phantom. You are having highly charged emotional interactions with someone who exists only in the insubstantial, watery world of your imagination. We suggest sitting down and talking with a therapist about how to live in the here and now." Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at http://www.WayneAndTamara.com Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com |
